(Long Post) - This week, for the first time in a very long time, seriously years, I got really angry with my body. I love my body, but then, I love my kids and my husband and I still get angry at them sometimes. So I went on this 11-day journey and during that time, with the exception of when I was on a plane, I was walking, running, or climbing stairs. My fitbit was having a party with 17,000-21,000 steps a day, 10-15 flights of stairs a day. I was burning calories like mad.
I also ate whatever I wanted, but I did not go mad. There were no carb comas or candy parties. I had eggs, meat, veggies, potatoes, and a bit of bread. I had ice cream once. With all of the calories I was burning, I should be able to eat the world and not gain.
I weighed 10 pounds more when I got home than I did when I left. 10 POUNDS. Granted, some of that was water weight from the flying. But still...
Now, it is two days short of two weeks since I returned. I am back to drinking insane amounts of water and I am still 3 pounds over my recent lowest. :/ Worse yet, through Thanksgiving and a day or so after, my cravings were off the charts. I did not eat even 1/3 of what I once would have eaten at Thanksgiving. I did not deprive myself. I had potatoes. I had homemade bread. But I did not have 2-3 plates of food.
My weight issues were never about binging or compulsive eating. They were about eating lots of good, wholesome, delicious foods. I did not eat pounds of bacon in a day or whole bags of Oreos to gain my excess weight. I ate a cup of mashed potatoes, two large pieces of chicken, two giant pieces of bread. I ate a half a pizza instead of one or two slices. I have not done that in years and yet here I am.
This year for Thanksgiving, I had two moderately sized pieces of bread, around 6 oz of turkey, a half cup of potatoes, a lot of green beans, and a tiny slice of pumpkin pie. Not huge gluttony, but enough and I was quite full and did not go back for a second plate in an hour or so as I normally would do.
From then forward, I was craving like mad. It was almost unbearable and I was ashamed that food could have so much control over me. Finally, on Sunday night of this week, I decided I was sick of dealing with my body like it was a spoiled five-year-old constantly having a fit over what it can't have. At this point, I was still 5 pounds over my lowest. So I put my body in the corner, so to speak. I decided if it was going to be this way, "Fine, you get protein shakes." I have many jugs of whey protein (the low carb kind) and I put myself on two protein shakes a day and one small meal. This is not a long-term project, but a reset. dress used for bridesmaids and designed for proms
The exception is that on workout days (Tuesday and Thursday), I will eat three small meals instead of the protein shakes. So far, so good. I had three small meals yesterday and stayed below 1000 calories total. Monday and today, I am on the protein shakes with a small meal. I am so tired of this bullshit.
I worked on the General Hospital book this week and even in photos from August of this year, I look huge, like a big ol' boat. When I am next to "normal" looking people, I am the size of two of them. Enough.
I am taking this winter to get a better hold on what I am doing here and stop screwing around about it. Since last October, I am down by only 20 pounds. Yes, that is 20 pounds I am glad to see gone, but I can and will do better than that.
Enough is enough. By August 1 of 2018, I want to weigh 170 or less. That is 80 pounds I need gone from where I am now. I already ditched 20% of what it would take from my highest to be there. I just need to do that four more times.